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Kissing frogs, living through it, and writing to tell about it.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

RUN!!

There are a couple of episodes of Criminal Minds starring Tim Curry as the serial killer. He is unkept, with rotten teeth, bloodshot eyes, and extreme stubble. He creeps me the eff out. I can't watch those episodes. Ever. Even in broad daylight. Regular Tim Curry is freaky. Serial killer Tim Curry is like a room full of creepy clowns laughing their creepy clown laughs and walking slowly (or quickly) toward you with a very large ax.

There is a guy on POF. He looks like the serial killer Tim Curry. He's creepy as eff. I'm sure he's a nice guy. I HOPE he's a nice guy. But I can't look at him without thinking Tim Curry is going to tie me to a bed and set me on fire.

It doesn't help that the first line of his profile says, "I'm looking for someone to start off as friends that could lead to a long term relationship with someone & eventually move in with me at my place."


My Car is On Fire... But I Got Marshmallows

"First Date
I pick you up. You get in. There are candles in the car. You go, "Is this dangerous?" and I go, "Yes—but I like danger."

We go to your favorite restaurant, we have drinks and a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, "Jason, your car’s on fire! Aren’t you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, "No. I knew this was gonna happen." Drop the mic (and by mic I mean the bag of marshmallows).

And then I kiss you, in front of my burning car, while valet is roasting our marshmallows."
 
 
Remind me to bring a fire extinguisher...
 
 

Poets Need Love, Too

"About Jay
I hold my pillow tight,
As if it was you at night;

For us Love is right,
not going without a fight;

Take you for a bite,
steal a kiss, I might;

Take you to new heights,
Launch our love out of sight;

Now our lives will shine bright.

~Jay Lee"
 
I feel like I know him so much more now, ya know? 

Is This the Electronics Forum? No??

 This guy clearly thought he was on a gaming forum, not a dating site...

"About Me
Hello Future!

I'm seriously contemplating buying either an XBOX or a Playstation. Not really sure which one is better, but it seem that you can find the same popular games for both.  Madden, Halo, World of Warcraft, Grand Theft Auto, and the most popular, Call of Duty.  What's crazy is I've never played either, but the majority of my friends do.  They literally spend hours playing in tournaments, researching cheat codes, buying the latest controllers, head phones with microphones, challenging people with weird screen names online, reading blogs and forums and get this... They are almost all married!

The last time I played a video game, I was holding a gray and orange plastic gun up to the floor-model tv screen, trying to kill ducks... Yeah you guessed it, Duck Hunt! Try as I may, I could never shoot that stupid dog and I got tired of blowing in the cartridges, just to get them to work. LOL! “I bet you did it too!” In hindsight, I never saved the Princess or knocked out Mike Tyson either... Needless to say, I've never been any good at “playing games.”

I'm old-school, instead of an XBOX, I have a tool box. Instead of a Playstation, I have a workstation... As a kid, I cried to go outside. While my friends were busy playing Excite Bike on Nintendo, I was busy building ramps to jump on my BMX, building fortresses out of cardboard boxes, throwing rocks, playing hopscotch, jumping double-dutch with my sister, shooting bottles with BB guns, catching bees on honeysuckles with my bare hands, playing tackle football in the street with no pads, and I can go all day with this... but I’m sure you get my point.


What I’m looking for:

I’m attracted to intelligence, goal-driven women with Claire Huxtable elegance, assets not asses, classy not classless, Linked In not Instagram, more paper than plastic...

Lastly: Originally from the South, I've circled the globe several times and I am a jack of all trades... I can fix just about anything! 100% Southern Gentleman"

Is This a Job Resume?

"About Jon:

Apparently POF wont let me show a picture of my face if I have my shirt off...or If I have a shirt on. Hypocrisy since I have no less than 10 women on my match list without there face in the picture."

Funny! 

"First Date:

We meet. I Love your look. I take your pictures. TFP"

TFP.... according to Google, TFP = "Time For Prints". Photography expression meaning the model will get prints of the shots for their time spent modelling. This is not a paid shoot. It's TFP. 

So... he's using POF to promote his photography skills. And he can't post a picture of himself. So, chicks meet up with him in some random, secluded locale so he can photograph them? Yeah, that's not sketchy. Not at all. 

Keepin' It Real

If Snoop Dogg and Flava Flav had a son, it would be this guy on POF. (I can't post the pic because Blogspot deletes them all, but trust me. He's got that vibe going ON!)

His tagline is, "Either you real or you fake ain't no in between"

Also keeps it real by posting this short, sweet message:

"Laid back type but out going. U keep it 100 wit me I keep it 1000 wit u."

The Date That Wasn't

I met Erik on POF a few weeks ago. We sent a few online messages before switching over to texting. The conversation flowed well, and after several days of texting (and one phone call), we decided to meet in person. As we live an hour apart, we made plans to meet at the National Harbor (which is in between us, but closer to me) at noon.

On the morning of the date, I texted him and asked if we were still meeting, as there hadn't been much discussion about it the night before. He responded, "Yep". Cool beans. I texted him at 11:40 saying I was on my way. I arrived at exactly noon, got my parking stub, and parked. I texted him and asked if he was there yet, and I never heard from him again. I waited 55 minutes, then rolled out and treated myself to lunch at Red Robin. I was the perfect date ;)

As for Erik, I never contacted him for an explanation. I deserve one, but I'm not begging for it. One thing I've learned recently from my foray into online dating is that I respect myself to much to waste any more of my time on guys who don't deserve it. I used to be that girl who gave a less-than-worthy guy chance after chance, and I'm not that girl anymore. You want to be an ass? Cool. But leave me out of it. :)

Are You Affectionate??

Received on POF:


"I like you.

Are you affectionate?

And do You like massage?

Like holding hands?

Kissing

Hugging

Both

Sexually and verbally

What happened?

Are you affectionate?"


Looks like you will never know...

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Could You Pass His Test?

"Do people really read these profiles? I can save you some time. Take this test. I have to warn you: Women who have been treated, deservedly so, like princesses their entire life will do exceptionally well on this test.

1 – Which of the following animals do you like? (1 point for each)
a. Dogs or wolves
b. Birds
c. Dinosaurs
d. Cats (-1 point)

2 – People usually describe you as:
a. Sweet, charming, and feminine (+5)
b. Maternal and caring (+5)
c. Stubborn, domineering, and pushy (-2)
d. Someone who won't shut up about "social justice" (-5)

If you have accumulated some points so far, hit me up, we might be destined for great things! If not, keep going:

3 – You like your man to communicate to you primarily with: (1 point each)
a. Steely gazes
b. Slaps on the butt
c. Tears and sobbing (-2)
d. Winks

4 – The first meal you'll cook:
a. A traditional recipe passed down from your grandmother (+4)
b. Carefully selected from your library of cook books and from original ingredients (+2)
c. Reheated crap (-5)
d. "I never cook; I'm a modern woman." (-10,000)

Total up your points:

11+: Marry me!
9+: Wow! You're amazing! Women like you still exist in Western Civilization? You're from a good family.
7+: You show serious promise!
5+: It could go either way. Who knows? We'd have to meet in person.
3+: eehhhhhhh
below 3: Modern feminism has ruined you. Buy a cat and freeze your eggs. Good luck, harpy!

NOTE: If you're enraged right now: Be careful! You'll tell your friends you hate me while being incredibly, magnetically attracted to me. Despite all your brainwashing, you'll be entranced. You might even learn the joys of being a sweet, feminine women who has a strong, masculine man in her life. Be careful!

If you laughed at any of this, or if you are anything other than enraged right now: Congratulation! You're healthy and beautiful. Don't let the haters drag you down. They just say that stuff because they realize you're naturally more desirable."

At Least He Knows What He Wants

"Really just looking for a great woman to settle down with. Must have a job, car, and good head on their shoulders. They should also know what they are looking for so they do not waste my time."

Are you the lover I have been seeking for?

"Hello I am Alan. There is a lot to me as a person from almost everything that life offers to what makes me of course me. I will let you know I am looking for women who is kind, respectful, trusting, is a music lover, and can be my movie buddy. I also want not just someone I can call my lover, but also a friend that will always be there and have my back. I want to be able to look in your eyes and say without a doubt "Yes I love you and always will". I am not looking for someone who has tats, weird piercings, smokes, country girls, goth chicks, sports nuts, or a control freak. So if you meet this and love life come join me and lets make love all over the world."

... What??

Message: "Do you think 420 is drugs"

......what??

No Thanks, I'm Good

Message to me: "Hey sexy"

Profile: "I'm not sending any pictures unless you send some first point blank.I'm a freak not just to anybody so if you don't like a freak this aint your page I work I Drive got my own house cars motorcycle don't need or want for s*** other than that let's have fun get to know me and find out cool person real laid back chill loyal honest don't like to waste time don't play games and don't like bullsh*tor a bullshitter"

And, delete.

Spelling Matters

Just came across a guy who is "looking for my bast friend"... Oy.

Or there's this one: "Hi I am a fun lade back guy I am a litel shy win I first meat som one but I open up pridy fast. I love to run I trie to run daly and I am traning for my first 5k run, I also play competitive paintball"... It makes my eyes hurt.

I Don't Think That Means What You Think It Does

What his profile says: "Looking for substance...being cute doesn't cut it all the time!! I'm big on morals and values and respect And that's something I automatically gave as well!!"

What his message to me says: "Nice lips"

Still Looking For a Prince

Well, the Prince I thought I found turned out to be a toad in disguise. So, after a year and a half of dating, a brief engagement, and a year of nursing a broken heart back to health, I find myself back in the dating game.

It has been about a month since I decided it was time to give dating a try again. My experiences so far:

Guy 1: A friend from back home set me up with a friend of her fiance. He is a nomadic, long-distance truck driver. She gives him my phone number, and we text back and forth for a couple of weeks. She has sent me a picture of him in his truck, and he is a big guy, but I can see how he could be cute. After a couple of days of texting, he tells me, "There are parts of my life that people wouldn't understand". Hmmm... intriguing. "Like what?", I ask him. He sends me a picture of himself. In a wig, dress, and makeup. He is a drag queen. Initially, I am freaked out. As a woman who was raised in a strict & sheltered Christian home, I don't relate to this lifestyle. However, after some research online and a couple of days to think about it, I decide, maybe I can handle that. I mean, it isn't much different from my friends who dress as Pokemon characters and go to Anime conventions, right? So I tell him I would still like to talk to him and get to know him. Then he tells me he is into BDSM, and is a "male Anastasia Steele, looking for his female Christian Grey". For fun, he likes to do "crafts", which is creating floggers and other props for the BDSM lifestyle. The last straw is when he sends me a picture of his "dream"... It is a man in stockings, getting poked in the arse by a woman with a strap-on while giving his front parts happy time. He is a nice guy, but I don't think we are romantically compatible.

Guy 2: Against my better judgement, I re-activated my POF (which should stand for "Plenty of Frogs") account. The first message I got was from a local guy who used proper spelling and grammar, and had similar interests to me. Score! Day 2 of talking, he "accidentally" sends me a picture of his penis. A few minutes later, I get a second picture, this time not so "accidentally". The following day is a 3rd penis picture. He has just had hernia surgery, so he is somewhat laid up at the moment, but we do meet for coffee. I arrive first, and when I walk in, I don't see anyone who looks like the guy who has, by now, sent me well over 20 pictures of himself (clothed, thankfully). I get a text asking me where I am. I respond that I am inside, and inquire where he is. He says he is in his truck. I tell him to come inside. When he does come inside, he barely looks at me, barely speaks, and doesn't seem at all happy to be there. We order drinks and sit down. I do most of the talking, while he looks around distractedly, and plays with his phone. I'm about to leave, because clearly he is not feeling this at all, when he puts his phone down and tells me, "I sent you a text". I look at my phone, and it says, "I'm shy, can you tell?" We then proceed to have one of the weirdest dates of my life, as we text back and forth across the table, mostly about sexual innuendos, which I've learned by now, is basically all this guy wants to talk about. After 20 minutes, he stands up as if he's about to go. He says he is going to his truck, but I can come, too. In his truck, he pokes my boob, pretends to go for my crotch (although I'm sure it wouldn't have been "pretend" if I had let him), and mostly sits in silence. After a few minutes, he says, "Ok, I'll drive you to your car." We continued to talk for a couple of weeks via text (and one brief phone call, where he barely said anything and then texted me WHILE WE WERE ON THE PHONE to yet again mention how shy he is), mostly about sex, even though he insists he is looking for a relationship, and not just sex (and repeatedly reiterates that he is "shy"). When I tell him he doesn't seem interested in getting to know me, because he doesn't ask me anything about myself, and only wants to talk about his penis, he gets angry. When I don't text him right away, he sends "Lalalalala". When I catch him in a lie, he turns it around on ME and makes me out to be the bad guy. After a two-week, emotional roller coaster, I finally cut this one loose. Clearly he is not ready for a mature relationship.

Guy 3: This one was the biggest disappointment, because it started off so well, and ended so quickly. We met one Sunday night on POF. We spent all day Monday texting, and we had so much in common. We both commented how excited we were to meet someone that we seemed so compatible with. Monday night he came over to my house, and we watched the previous night's episode of The Walking Dead, as we had both missed it. Then we spent some time talking, and there was some kissing ;) A couple of nights later he met my friend and I at the gym we all go to, and afterwards we went out for dinner. We made plans to go bowling that weekend, which were re-scheduled for Wednesday, when it would be half the price. He talked about surprising me after work on Friday, but when I raced home excitedly, he wasn't there, and I didn't hear from him again that night. We talked about doing something Sunday, but the weather was bad, so when that didn't happen, I chalked it up to that. He was supposed to come over Monday after I got out of class. I texted him a couple of times throughout the day to confirm, and around 8:30 pm I got a text, "Sorry tonight didn't work out". Nothing else. Tuesday he texted me while I was at work and asked if I wanted to meet up after work to grab something to eat. I texted and called, and no reply. Wednesday we texted back and forth about meeting up that night, and 20 minutes before we were supposed to be at bowling, I asked him what time we were meeting up. He said, "I don't know, I'm kind of tired." Bowling didn't happen. Thursday I barely heard anything from him. Taking the hint that he's "just not that into me" (http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-signs-that-someone-isnt-interested-or-is-half-heartedly-interested-in-you-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/), I told him what I thought of his shitty behavior, and unsurprisingly, I never heard from him again.

According to the Internet, this behavior is called, "Ghosting", and for all you girls out there who have met the morons that partake in this behavior and are wondering what is up, here's some information that might help:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/why-men-ghost

http://amandadecadenet.com/love/how-to-handle-a-houdini-what-to-do-when-a-guy-pulls-a-disappearing-act/

http://www.refinery29.com/date-disappearing-ghosting

http://madamenoire.com/168933/disappearing-acts-why-men-suddenly-stop-calling/

http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/guys-disappear-deal/

http://www.ellyklein.com/dignity

http://www.gurl.com/2014/04/05/how-to-deal-if-your-crush-ghosts-you-disappears-blows-you-off/#1

At this rate, I'll be fishing for a while. :-/


***Edit: I recently learned some information about Guy #3 from someone who knows him. These revelations regarding his character make me realize how lucky I am that this guy disappeared on me. It never would have worked out anyway. I definitely dodged a bullet there.