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Kissing frogs, living through it, and writing to tell about it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

It Started Off Well


I give this guy props for a genuinely witty introduction. However, major fail for wasting space and time with needless sarcasm. I still don't know what he's looking for...

"For our first date we should head over to Walmart. You wouldn't have to get all dressed up an stuff, I could find out what your favorite beer was and you could find out if I blush when we walk through the lingerie section. If that does not work for you, we can make other plans :) "

That's actually kind of cute... Unfortunately, the rest of the profile is not.

"Hi
Since every other man on this website is a very nice, sincere, bla bla bla, I decided to lie too. So a little about me:
- I have a boring job
- I am looking for a crazy lady for unfulfilling relationship, and future divorce.
- I enjoy smoking, petty theft, drinking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
- I would kill to win the Nobel Peace prize.
- I win arguments by bursts of irrational shouting like I see from the talking heads on TV every day.
- I have no personal opinions of my own, because I am shallow and petty.
- I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing pointless quotes of classical works, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
- I'm almost 30, but look 55 and feel 64.

You are perfect if::
- You are whiny, crazy with a misplaced sense of entitlement and utopic expectations.
- In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had.
- While you are technically still married, your husband doesn't seem to care - or so you assure me.
- Through a technicality you are currently not under court supervision or otherwise grounded so we can actually do stuff.
- You filled your profile with generalities, and yet you expect guys to guess what you are interested in when writing to you.
- You feel very strongly about woman's rights and equality when it suits your purpose.
- You blame everything on your period.
- A big plus is if you just finished dating every guy in town but now want to take your time with me."

Monday, January 9, 2012

A Better Question Is: Who Puts That In Their Dating Profile?

About Me:
"Things I Think About-
Who puts dog crap all over my sneakers at night? I walked through a puddle two weeks ago and put my sneakers out on my back porch to dry overnight. Fast forward to the next day and they are SMOTHERED with dog crap. I had to wash them off (making them soaking wet AGAIN) and put them on my back porch again. The next morning, AGAIN smothered in dog crap. I washed them again and put them outside in different places (I will NOT bring them inside - they stink!) and every day they are covered in crap again.

Besides that, I haven't been thinking about much lately."

(Found on: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2011/12/its-suburbs-and-i-was-bored-okay.html)

A Pear of Head Fones

Who I'm looking for:
A woman who is like a pear of head fones. I should be able to split her and wear her around my ears. Wait dats not right. Lemme start gain, k!

A woman who is like a pear of head fones. Mostly good tunes comin outa her but when the channal sux I can just skip to the next track!

Nah no good either. Women's lib will yell at me for that one! How bout this: a woman like a pear of head fones. Ah I forget.

There's A Map For That

"What I'm doing with my life:

I love finding creative places to urinate in public. You too? Message me and we'll compare targets/maps, go from there."

(Found on: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2012/01/you-have-map.html)

That's An Impressive Pair of Pants

"So I was thinking. I have a pair of jeans that I could fit two people into at once. Why was I thinking of this? Two warm people could fit into the jeans on a warm winter night. Again why do I think of this. I have contacted you. Again why. We can both fit into a single jeanpair. Hot coco.
I own a lot of books. Are you into reading? Being able to read is one thing but having something to read, is something else. What will you read if you have nothing to read. Nothing. Read about a pair of jeans big enough to hold two people in their own jeans pressing together close flavor lumps.

Ricky"

(Found on: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2012/01/well-hit-bathroom-twice-as-much.html)

The Six Senses of Superman

From an OK Cupid profile:

About Me:

"The six things I could never do without:

My sense of:
1. Touch
2. Taste
3. Smell/breath
4. Sight
5. Ears
6. I can see through wood but only when I'm superhigh. The first time it happened I saw through my friends gun cabinet and saw how many guns and exactly what kind of guns he had. Then he opened up the cabinent and I was right. The second time this happened I looked at a friend's wood entertainment center cabinet in the living room and there was a TV in there behind the wood and I saw it and I could tell what was on the TV screen even with the cabinet doors closed it is an amazing ability but it only works when I'm so so high that I can't see anything else cept whats behind the wood."

I'm A Waiter

A message from Alex (The Waiter):

Hello!

I am a waiter and I would gladly serve you dinner. I would even serve you AS dinner, all on a plate with all fixins. No I don't mean this in a sexual way.

I'm Alex the waiter. I wait for people to email me on this site but no one does! That forces my hand. Your profile is VERY FUNNY. Women with senses of humor usually suck but you're something unique. Have you given any more thought to my offer of dinner above? I will serve you dinner with fixins or you will BE the dinner with all fixins.

The fixins will be a printout of all of my receipts from the past year, taped over your naughty bits so as to keep things clean. I will let my imagination do the rest of work. Have you givin much thought to modeling? I would do a photo shoot with you.

Serve dinner to you or be the dinner yourself. Or both. That would be a fun night to tell the great grandkids, cousins, and new pets about.

Alex

I Like Juice

About me:
"I like OJ! Not the football player/murderer but the juice! I make my own juices of fruit. Orange juice, apple juice, and even different mixy kinds like blueberry apple or grape orange raspberry! If we meet I will make you a single juice of your desired type! If we meet again there will be another juice granted to you! If we meet again yet another until you have collected all the juices.
I urge you to collect them all. With over 3,096,100 combos of juice, we can have a whole life together. I hope to find you out there somewhere."

(Found on: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2012/01/collect-em-all-before-someone-else-does.html)

Sounds Like a Winner

About Me:
"im on some old school G-shyt just trying to live life hiccup free and keep my ass out of jail. i done lived a hell of a life to only be 30. its time for me to put my guns down. i got a big family that i fuk with real heavy. im just chillin though. hollor at me."

First Date
"probably some redneck shyt. fire up the grill, talkin shyt with my people or just some chill shyt. whos to say what exactly a cats gonna do when it come to a date."

(Found on: http://www.abadcaseofthedates.com/2012/01/your-family-must-appreciate-that.html)

Just Hide Your Pets

"I'm was in the army and I'm grateful to be back in the states and to have found a great job. All I'm missing is someone to share my life with. I look forward to meeting your family and friends. I have an open mind and try to get along with everybody. If you have pets I will try to eat them.
I like hunting, football (playing and watching) and making shoes. I'm thinking of starting a business with them. If you want to help out then that would be welcome."

Friday, January 6, 2012

Your Stupidity Makes Me Laugh

The guy from my last post decided to write back, which turned into a conversation, that made me laugh so hard, I almost peed my pants. So you, too, may share in my gleeful mirth, I have included the conversation for you. He doesn't deserve to remain anonymous, but I'm feeling generous. Enjoy!

Sent Date:1/5/2012 3:13:06 PM
From: D________
 
D: "Hey there....I wish I can put my tongue inside:-)"
 
Me: "What the hell!? Ew."
 
D: "Yep coz u r attractive:-)"
 
Me: "And you are disgusting."
 
D: "Nd u r fat mother fucker ugly fish nd frog" (which made me LOL hardcore)
 
Me: "Wow, not only are you a charmer, but you're respectful, mature, and intelligent, too? Perhaps I misjudged you? Haha, yeah right!"
 
D: "Y u telling me I'm disgusted???"
 
Me: "Read your first message, Genius."
 
D: "I didn't start it. U the 1st one insulting me"
 
Me: "Clearly English is not your first language. Perhaps when you said, "Hey there....I wish I can put my tongue inside:-)", you were not referring to the sexual acts which I interpreted that to mean?"
 
D: "Not a bad thing put my tongue in ur mouth:-) nd I speak 4 language ...u r right about English is not my 1st nd I'm glad about that!!! Awwwwww I speak 4 international languages. Anyways have a great weekend!!"
 
I sent it to my friend, and she asked, "what exactly does a mother fucker ugly fish nd frog look like??" My thoughts exactly.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Um... thank you?

I've never received a vulgar or horrifying message before (that I can recall), but I just received one saying, "Hey there....I wish I can put my tongue inside:-)" Um... EW! And no thanks? I feel like I need to go take a shower now...

First Impressions

In the online dating world, most sites require users to create a profile in order to "sell" themselves to the sex they are trying to attract. As I've written before, one of the most important aspects of this profile is the headline, which is the introduction to who the person in the profile is looking for, and is usually the first thing potential matches see when they click on a profile. Most people write, "Looking For a Good Woman" (or, in my experience, "Looking For a Good Women :-/), "Looking for Friends", "Looking For My Soul Mate", etc. Since most searches limit each hit to the picture, headline, and a few words of the interest or "About Me" section, choosing the write headline to represent yourself is pretty important. So, when I just came across a profile headlined, "If you dress like a whore, DON'T MESSAGE ME!!!", I had to wonder how such an endearing and sweet man was on a dating site... Because all I get from that is, "I'm a Dick, I don't respect women, I don't have a filter, I say whatever I want, and you will not only like it, but you will respect me enough to date me". Out of curiosity, I read the profile. Now I get it.

"I'm told that I stay to myself a lot. I don't go out much because of my overnight work schedule. At least my weekends are always free, but I tend to stick to the same routine. I’m probably one of the quietest guys you'll ever meet. But, there are some things that make me tick. Basically, I never had a girlfriend and I rarely.....well.....never date (yes this profile is current in case you are wondering). So, when you see on my profile that my longest relationship was "under 1 year", don't pay attention to that because this sorry ass site required me to select an option. I've never dated because I don't trust women. Since this is the DC Metro Area, most of them are so stuck on themselves. It's seems like once I try to get to know them, all they want to talk about is their exes. If you're so into your ex, why don't you get back with him and save me the time and trouble. Oh, they say one thing and do something totally different. Those things and more I do not have time for AT ALL!!! Maybe it's just me. There's nothing wrong with watching out for one's self. Hey, if I'm lying, I'm dying. Guess what? I'M NOT DYING ANYTIME SOON!!!...

Sorry if this sounds negative. There have been messages I've received recently that made me respond the way that I have. So putting it out there would hopefully get rid of the BS I've been dealing with. A few messages from girls stating that I was too mean or that I didn't know what I was talking about. Well, I got three words, "GET OVER IT!!!" I'm not mean, only realistic. If you can't figure out the difference, then you need help!

Simply put, I'm here to meet new people, starting off as FRIENDS, and go from there. Of course, I want to be in a relationship, get married, MAYBE have kids, but I don't want to rush things. No I’m not afraid of commitment, so I don't know why all women think that!!! If you're looking for someone to impress "daddy", someone to use to get revenge on your ex, someone to pay your bills, someone to be your chauffeur, someone to be your therapist, it sure as hell won't be this guy. If you have baggage or just on here as a tease to show off your body and have no intent on meeting, don't even think about contacting me. That includes friends with benefits, too. If that's what you want, don't play with me, play with yourself, you freak.

As long as you is respectful, emotionally stable, has a sense of humor, DOES NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR EXES OR PAST RELATIONSHIPS, and doesn’t let anything or anyone get in your way, then I like to get touch with you. Looks can only get a woman so far with me. One who has a passion for helping other people and love going on spur of the moment trips are bonuses. I someday would like to show that special person the world. But, there's an old saying "money can't buy happiness". If any of these positive (depends on how you look at it) characteristics describe you, or if you have any questions you want to ask me, then go ahead and drop me a line or two. Maybe you're the one out there that can prove to me that all women are not the same. Hopefully there are some good people out there......but I doubt it.

OH, BY THE WAY, I KNOW HOW A WOMAN HATES A MAN WHO HAS AN OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING! MAKES YOU WONDER WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIPS HAVE FAILED, HUH?

NOTE: If I don't reply to your email, don't take it personally. You're just not good enough."

First Date?

"Open to anything, preferably a quiet, PUBLIC place (nothing too formal and not a movie theatre because I don't want you pick-pocketing me) to get to know the person better. No pressure, AS LONG SHE DOESN'T MENTION EXES OR PAST RELATIONSHIPS (again, never dated before and never been with a woman before)!!! That would just kill the whole mood.

PLUS, NO TOUCHING!!! I get snappy when people, especially women touch me. It only gets ugly from there if people make physical contact with me..

Oh, one more thing, if we do meet and I see you wearing a short skirt or a skimpy dress, I'm going to think that you're a slut. As a result, I'll just turn right around and go home. Can't stand attention whores. You've been warned!"


What a sweet, sweet man.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bad Bait?

A friend of mine recently sent me this comment, "You really need to learn to pull back at the first red flags... You might want to think about setting your parameters for men a little narrower, because while this wide net you're casting is great fodder for the blog, it's not catching you much in the way of quality men to spend your life with. I'm worried about you." She also sent me a FB message that she is worried that I am lowering my standards and settling, out of fear that I will be single forever, and that I should make a list of what I want. I feel like I can't win. If I give every guy I meet a chance, I'm "lowering my standards and settling", and if I write them off based on reading their profile, I'm "judgemental and too picky"... I feel like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't... The old adage "you can't please everyone" really IS true!

I actually have a list. When I was young, I participated in the True Love Waits program through my church, and we were encouraged to make a list of what we would look for in a future mate. My list has changed over the years (in large part, thanks to things I learned from past relationships), but the basics have stayed the same. Now, my purpose in trying online dating is not to find a husband... There are a lot of things I want to do in this life, and I want someone there to share those experiences with. Eventually, I would like to get married and have a family, but I am also content in my single life. There are a lot of things I have been able to do, and a lot of freedoms I have enjoyed, that would not have been as easy or possible if I were raising a family. My friends comments (well-intentioned, and out of genuine concern), have started me thinking... Am I too picky? Or am I not picky enough?

For your amusement, I have included "The List", partly because I am hoping for feedback to tell me if I am way off base here, and partly because I am proud of my "parameters".

1. Kind
2. Mature
3. Good with money
4. Adventurous (likes to do/try new things)
5. Wants/likes/is good with kids
6. Ambitious/Hard working
7. Adaptable (not stubborn & stuck in his ways)
8. Loyal/Faithful
9. Good listener (and can carry a conversation)
10. Patient
11. Respectful
12. Down to earth/Laid back/Easy going
13. Positive attitude
14. Reliable
15. Committed to meeting me halfway
16. Has goals and a plan to meet them
17. Wants to spend time with me, but is okay being apart & having space
18. Affectionate
19. Fun
20. Great smile
21. Makes me excited to be with him
22. Non-smoker, non- drug user, not a heavy drinker
23. Not a “party animal”
24. Big family is a plus, but not a requirement

The problem with having "a list" (besides the fact that if any potential date knew about it, I'm sure he would run for the hills), is that it's hard to know when to give someone a chance, and when to make a snap decision that they are not what I am looking for, and to pass them by. In the online dating world, this is especially hard. It is easy to judge a person based on a few sentences on their profile. If they don't fill it out, they seem "lazy", and if they write too much, they come off as "desperate". Someone who enjoys video games is written off as a "slacker", but someone who enjoys clubbing is too much of a "party-animal". When I first started this experience, I was being very selective as to which messages I responded to, and which person I would contact. I was being very picky. Then I read an article that highlighted the risks of writing someone off too soon, stating that overlooking them because of something they wrote (or neglected to write) on an online dating site does not guarantee they are not a good match... at the very least, this person could teach me something about love, life, or even myself. I agree that every person to cross our path does so for a reason, and that there is something we can learn from every individual we meet... The article made me re-think how I was approaching online dating (and dating in general). I started responding to anyone who sent me a message, since "you never know"... Doing so has been even more depressing than being selective. And while my friend is right, I do gain experiences that make for a fun blog, I feel increasingly more and more convinced that a genuine, regular, normal boy-next door just simply does not exist, especially not online. I'm including the article I read below... what do you think? Is it better to quickly weed out potential dates based on a brief introduction to who they are (and meet a LOT of frogs), or to stay open to *almost* everyone who crosses my path, in hopes that I don't overlook a prince, disguised as a frog?


Why You Shouldn't Write Him OffBy Rori Raye, Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter.

It's all too easy to decide a certain man isn't for you - we make such quick judgments from those first impressions. And if you're on Plenty Of Fish, you might think that there's plenty of choice, which means you shouldn't have to settle for someone who doesn't measure up.

But giving a man a chance isn't settling - it's opening yourself up to the man who may ultimately be right for you. Here's why...

MAKING SNAP JUDGEMENTS MEANS YOU COULD MISS YOUR MR. RIGHT

Remember Charlotte and Harry on Sex and The City? The bald, sweaty, often brusque man was not Charlotte's ideal suitor by any stretch of the imagination. If Charlotte had met Harry at a bar and he had asked her out, she probably would have rejected him out right. But, as you may know, Harry was Charlotte's lawyer, so by default she was spending more and more time with him. Before she knew it, she was swept away by the "wrong" guy who was absolutely right for her and adored her like no other. Likewise, the perfect guy for you might not come in the package you've imagined... but you won't know that unless you give him a chance.

The other thing to remember is that you wouldn't want a man to make a snap judgment about you. Think about the times a man has written you off without taking the time to discover all the wonderful things about you. So, if you find yourself thinking "he's too this" or "he's too that," stop and ask the very same questions about yourself. Are you the perfect height? The most desirable weight? Are you without flaws yourself? Remember that any man who dates you will also have to overlook your "imperfections"... and focus instead on what makes you who you are.

YOU COULD BE SHORT-CIRCUITING YOUR CHANCES FOR TRUE LOVE

Every single man who comes into your life - regardless of how long he stays or what kind of an impact he makes - will teach you something you need to know to get you to the next stage of your love life... and help you identify the right man when he does show up.

Maybe this new man will turn into the best guy friend you ever had, maybe he'll open your eyes to parts of you that are more attractive than you've ever considered. Or maybe there's something about him that will clue you in to something you need in a man.

Ask yourself: is there something I need to find out here? For instance, maybe he's an artist and you've only dated business-type guys, and this guy shows you how to appreciate the sensitive side in a man. Or it could be that this new man treats you so well that you'll realize you deserve so much more than what you've been settling for.

BREAK THE PATTERNS OF YOUR PAST... AND FIND TRUE LOVE

If you've been making bad choices in your love life until now - if you've had your heart broken too often or you seem to pick the same kind of men who aren't good for you - then you need to let a man grow on you in a different way. You need to learn to feel the pleasure of being loved and appreciated by a good man. And the only way to do that is to push yourself past your usual comfort zones and give different kinds of guys a chance - namely, the men who are pursuing you.

Here's a quick little exercise that will open your eyes: write down the qualities you're looking for in a guy, then write down the qualities of the last four guys you dated. Are they similar? Are you repeating a pattern? Only by expanding your view of what constitutes a worthy date will you finally be able to break the patterns that have been holding you back.

Before you write off a new man, give him six dates. Yes, six (unless he makes you feel uncomfortable or is disrespectful.) But if you find him pleasant enough, look past the initial lack of fireworks and simply spend time with him on a get-to-know-you basis. Forget the pressure of dating, and just get to know another human being. True chemistry only happens over time and when you feel safe with someone; this is the kind of chemistry that stands the test of time and plants the seed for a lifelong romance.