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Kissing frogs, living through it, and writing to tell about it.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Prefer Not to Say

Dear people of the online dating world,

I would just like to say to all of you, that putting "Prefer Not to Say" after a question ALWAYS makes it look like you have something to hide. For instance:

"Prefer Not to Say" after your weight = "I can probably squeeze into your car, but I hope you're driving an SUV... with all the interior seats taken out."

"Prefer Not to Say" after your height = "I'm not saying I'm short, but I was once on the set of The Wizard of Oz, and an Oompa Loompa almost stepped on me."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Drink" = "I drink every hour, but I'm not an alcoholic... I can quit whenever I w- shit!! Just spilled my Guiness!! Brb."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Want Kids" = "HELL NO, I don't want no damn kids! But if I say that on here, all these women will think I am a heartless bastard, and I definitely won't be getting any, and if I put "yes", the ladies will certainly catch me in a lie, and then I won't be getting any either, so I best stay on the safe side and play it neutral." Or, "I had a vasectomy when I was 12 (circumcision gone bad), but I don't want the ladies to know I can't have kids, because then I won't be getting some, and I REALLY need to get some."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Marital Status" = "Technically, I'm single, because Utah doesn't recognize my marriage to any of my 14 wives."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Do Drugs" = "I'm too high to properly answer this question... What are we talking about again?.... Oooooh, look, purple ponies!"

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Profession" = "I have a job. Or, at least I had one. When I was 16. I'm 36 now. I live at home. It's a good deal, because my mom cooks and does my laundry. Well, technically I work... I'm in a fantasy football league, and I play in WOW and Madden tournaments. I make $5 a month, but that totally counts as income. So, yeah, I have a job. Wait, what was the question again?"

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Have Children" = "I already have 18 kids, but I don't count them because Utah doesn't recognize any of my 14 marriages, so technically, I'm not the father." Or, "I've been with a bunch of women, and seven of them claim I'm the father of their kid, but I'm too cheap to get a DNA test, so I don't know how to properly answer this question." Or, "I don't have any kids. I mean, the two that live with me share my DNA, but I don't have any kids."

So, in summary, you can put "Prefer Not to Say" after just about anything, but most people (especially women) are pretty good about reading between the lines (and making assumptions), so it's best you are just straight up and honest about things. You are going to be judged either way.... just saying. :)

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