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Kissing frogs, living through it, and writing to tell about it.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

If 'X' Then 'Y'


I Bet You Say That to All the Ladies

I think the message I received tonight is a form message- I've heard about these, but I don't think I've received one yet. I feel so.... spammed!

"Hello there , 
Well this is gonna be short and too the point , I like to meet other people for conversation, 
Lunch , drinks , ect .... Very open mined and spontaneous. I know how to carry on a conversation and not bore you. I am professional but at the same time adventurous.
I work as a fire fighter and bartender. I will change your life in a positive way. 
Let's chat and see if the chemistry is there. 
Give me a chance! looking for good conversation is a challenge on here. Are you different ? 

I Wish They Were All Like This

I received a "this person wants to meet you" e-mail for this profile today. I thought it was clever, well-written, and made me laugh. I wish they all did! Enjoy :)

"I thought this was a website about Sushi!

Sushi is good. Meeting new people is good. Meeting new people while eating Sushi is the best! I live in the Dupont Circle area of Washington DC, which is luckily full of delicious Japanese restaurants. Not a bad place for a first date, if you ask me.

If you are not an adventurous raw fish eater, this is probably a good time for you to move on to the next profile, if not, I have included some additional information about yours truly.

My dislikes include: People who wear sunglasses on the metro (transitions lenses are acceptable), pretentiousness, hardcore political party affiliation, and cantaloupe (or honeydew for that matter)

My likes include: Everything else (especially the act of using too many parenthesis in my profile)

Best attribute: Being tall. As I like to tell those who I rebound over in basketball, “you cannot teach height.”

Worst attribute: Being too tall and muscular to dance gracefully (I somehow just finagled being tall and muscular into my worst attribute)

Employment: Spending taxpayer’s money, the same thing everyone else does in DC.

What I am looking for in a woman: A doctorate from an Ivy League University (not counting Cornell), honorable mention or above in a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Competition or equivalent, a seven or eight figure salary (after taxes), the flexibility of a Cirque Du Soleil gymnast, a direct line to the president and the ability to fly.

What I will settle for: Someone who is nice (as opposed to naughty, although naughty works too) and fit.

Goals: To eat just enough delicious food to enjoy life, but not get fat (literally and metaphorically).

I hope you enjoyed my attempt at a profile and the blatant lack of proper sentence structure. Drop me a message if you are interested.

What is That in Your Profile Picture?

There are a lot of guys online who posts pictures of their car or motorcycle (or, in some cases, their lawnmower). Not themselves IN their car, or ON their motorcycle... just the vehicle itself. Why is that? Posting a picture of your mode of transportation does not make me want to date you. While it's great that you are posting proof that you have a way of getting from point A to point B, I just don't see the connection between dating and vehicles. I LOVE my car... and my new laptop, my cat, and my favorite book... but I don't put pictures of them on my dating profile.

And while I'm on the subject, what is with all of the pictures people take of themselves, riding in their cars? Or, for that matter, standing at the bathroom sink? Why not post pictures that show you doing something fun, or with people, or a genuine shot of you laughing at something? Why post the same, generic, old, flat, pose that everyone else is doing? You want to stand out in a crowd? Do something different from everyone else. It's that simple.

And another thing... if you are a guy, why are you posting pictures of girls hanging all over you, sitting in your lap, or looking at you with "come-hither, sex eyes"? If you want women to believe you are available, genuine, and not a player, try photo-shopping some of your pics. Same thing goes to the ladies with their goodies hanging out, dancing up on guys at the bar... You don't want to come across as a skanky bar-ho? Put some clothes on and have someone take a picture of you at the park :) (I mean that in the sincerest way possible). Also, ladies AND gents... set down the beer bottle down... nothing says, "I'm only here for a good time" like a plastic cup full of beer or martini on your hand.

Well... I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant- I guess that's what happens when I blog when I'm tired! But, as I've said before, the profile is the biggest selling feature, and sets the tone for how someone presents him/herself. And I think it should be important to edit or include pictures accordingly.

He's a Keeper

Sorry, I just couldn't resist sharing this picture with you...


Prefer Not to Say

Dear people of the online dating world,

I would just like to say to all of you, that putting "Prefer Not to Say" after a question ALWAYS makes it look like you have something to hide. For instance:

"Prefer Not to Say" after your weight = "I can probably squeeze into your car, but I hope you're driving an SUV... with all the interior seats taken out."

"Prefer Not to Say" after your height = "I'm not saying I'm short, but I was once on the set of The Wizard of Oz, and an Oompa Loompa almost stepped on me."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Drink" = "I drink every hour, but I'm not an alcoholic... I can quit whenever I w- shit!! Just spilled my Guiness!! Brb."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Want Kids" = "HELL NO, I don't want no damn kids! But if I say that on here, all these women will think I am a heartless bastard, and I definitely won't be getting any, and if I put "yes", the ladies will certainly catch me in a lie, and then I won't be getting any either, so I best stay on the safe side and play it neutral." Or, "I had a vasectomy when I was 12 (circumcision gone bad), but I don't want the ladies to know I can't have kids, because then I won't be getting some, and I REALLY need to get some."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Marital Status" = "Technically, I'm single, because Utah doesn't recognize my marriage to any of my 14 wives."

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Do Drugs" = "I'm too high to properly answer this question... What are we talking about again?.... Oooooh, look, purple ponies!"

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Profession" = "I have a job. Or, at least I had one. When I was 16. I'm 36 now. I live at home. It's a good deal, because my mom cooks and does my laundry. Well, technically I work... I'm in a fantasy football league, and I play in WOW and Madden tournaments. I make $5 a month, but that totally counts as income. So, yeah, I have a job. Wait, what was the question again?"

"Prefer Not to Say" after "Do You Have Children" = "I already have 18 kids, but I don't count them because Utah doesn't recognize any of my 14 marriages, so technically, I'm not the father." Or, "I've been with a bunch of women, and seven of them claim I'm the father of their kid, but I'm too cheap to get a DNA test, so I don't know how to properly answer this question." Or, "I don't have any kids. I mean, the two that live with me share my DNA, but I don't have any kids."

So, in summary, you can put "Prefer Not to Say" after just about anything, but most people (especially women) are pretty good about reading between the lines (and making assumptions), so it's best you are just straight up and honest about things. You are going to be judged either way.... just saying. :)

He Came and Went Like Harry Houdini

I met a very attractive, very sweet, very funny guy online, sometime in September. Jonathan lives three hours away, and has a nine-year old daughter (whom he sees every Wednesday & Friday-Sunday), and I was working two jobs, so while we discussed meeting in person, we knew it might be difficult. I suggested meeting halfway, as there is a major city about an hour and a half from both of us, and he seemed open to it. 

We sent numerous messages online, before switching to instant messenger, and eventually texting... My office job was pretty slow, so I had a lot of time to talk to him, but after a while, I started to wonder why it was that Jonathan was always available; didn't he have a job he had to be at? His profile listed "IT" as his profession, and in the beginning of our communication, he had told me he had his own "cyber-security" business, and worked from home, but with the amount of talking (typing?) we were doing, I didn't see how it was possible that he was getting any work done. I knew from previous conversation that he was a felon (he said he threw a rock out of a car window, which sounded like a sketchy reason to be assigned a felony... I looked it up... the state he lives in DOES count that as a felony), so he ended up leaving college, spent several months in jail, and subsequently has a hard time finding a job. Okay, I can work with that. It's not ideal, but everyone makes stupid mistakes when they are younger, and he seems to have learned from it and matured, so as long as he is being honest, up-front, and truthful with me, I can accept this. One day I asked him what kind of work he does, and he said companies hired him to test their computer security. I.e. "professional hacker". I asked him if he kept pretty busy with that, and he said, "Honestly? No." Well, that was alarming! If your job is so slow that all you have time for is talking to women you met online, how do you pay your bills? So, I asked him, "How do you pay your bills?" (Subtle, right? ;) He replied, "Oh, I do okay... I'm in fantasy football leagues, and I play in World of Warcraft and Madden tournaments"....... Wait, you make a living playing video games and participating in fantasy football!? 

Now, I should have cut all lines of communication right then and there, and ran as far and fast as I could, but as I mentioned before, I have a habit of hanging on to things I shouldn't (for far longer than I should), and when all of your friends are married and your eggs are rotting, you tend to overlook things that REALLY shouldn't be overlooked. A few days later I mentioned I had a day free of work, and as it was a Tuesday, I knew he wouldn't have his daughter, and I asked if he would like to meet. He responded, "Oh, I didn't tell you? I was in a car accident this weekend. A deer ran out in front of the car, and totalled it." I asked him if it was repairable, and he said a buddy of his was going to fix it. A couple of weeks later, I hadn't heard anything about the car, and I brought it up again. This time, he told me he and his buddy were no longer on speaking terms, so he would have to take it to the shop after all. Considering how he makes his income, I wasn't about to hold my breath. About that time he completely disappeared... He just vanished, like a magician. No texting, e-mails, or instant messages. 

An entire week went by, before I finally sent him a text asking if everything was okay. He replied that he had been busy helping his friend move, and another one had just left rehab, and he was trying to help him get settled. We picked up our conversation where we had left off, but I was starting to think this guy was not what I had originally thought (I know, you have already figured that out), and I was a little wary. Sure enough, Thanksgiving Day came, and I sent my usual "Happy Thanksgiving!" text to friends & family, including Jonathan. He replied with the same sentiment. From previous conversations, I knew he was cooking the dinner for his large family, so I asked him if he had started cooking yet, and there was no reply. About 6 hours later, I sent a message about how the Cowboys were doing (not well) in the game, and still no reply. I never heard another word from him. 

Now, clearly there were a bunch of things I knew were red flags, and I chose to overlook them... After all, he was calling me "Sweetie", "Beautiful", "Babe", and "Gorgeous", and my ovaries really respond to that! Chalk this one up to another lesson learned. Hopefully the next time Harry Houdini saunters my way, I have the sense of mind to let him keep walking right on by.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Too Soon

I received a message on December 26 from a cute guy with a decent profile: "wow i know you must already know this but you are beautiful! i would love too have the chance too talk too you and to get too know ya." I can work with that. I replied, "Thank you :) How was your Christmas? Did you do anything special? Thank you for the message! I just got home from work, and I'm headed to bed soon, but feel free to send me a message, and I'll respond to it tomorrow. I hope you had a nice day!" I didn't receive a reply until this morning, when I got, "hey how are you today?" I responded with, "Hello! I'm doing well, how are you?" (I mean, really, where else do you go from there?) I get back, "im ok cold wish u were here too cuddle with"...... Yeah, I'm good, but I think Wal*Mart is still having a 50% off sale on Christmas sweaters...

You Should be Looking for an English Teacher, Instead!

Eddie leads with this line: "lookn 4 a hot grl that is laid back,n real no b's". His interests are "grls" and "n what ever sports my son plays which is all of them". Eddie would like you to know "Im a sporty person n easy goin.Im a laid back person.I coach my sons baseball team.My son 10 he lives with me hes lived with me 4 about 7years.Hes a daddys boy.N wonts u meet me u will c im a unique person,n a good way.I like all misic.My goal rite now n life is 2 find a good grl n my son is my life." And for a first date? "dinner n a movie.i like 2 keep it simple tha first date." Very classy.

Adam Levine Has HSV?

I just stumbled across a profile that has only one picture... and it's a picture of Adam Levine, from Maroon 5. I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to resort to online dating as a way of meeting girls, but I clicked on the profile (which is headlined "hsv_sucks: all the good ones are gone") out of curiosity. The profile is short and sweet" "First, I have hsv so if you're not ok with it then click away. Otherwise, I'm a fairly easy going guy. I get passionate about politics and only wish to date non-liberals. I stay in good shape, enjoy cooking, traveling, and doing any type of work with my hands. I don't care much for tattoos or smoking. I'm fairly humble, introverted, and non-materialistic. I love music of all types but loathe rap. Likely one of the most interesting people you can meet :)". I'm not going to rag on the guy... If I was admitting on a much-used dating site that I had birth-acquired herpes, I wouldn't post a picture, either.


I was messaging a guy last week, who showed potential in the beginning. He's very attractive, widowed, with twin two-year-old boys. His profile was rather sparse, but we seemed to have a couple of common interests, so I messaged him. His reply (as usual) was short and did not ask me anything about myself, but I figured I would give it another shot. His profile mentioned he liked movies, so I asked him what his favorites were (his reply, "disney movies- I think I watch them more than my kids do"), and I told him that "my favorite movie is Pirates of the Caribbean, which isn't a Disney movie, but is based on a Disney ride, so it's close enough". He responded with, "Pirates is a disney movie! I love them too I just bought the newest one", so I said, "Haha, yeah, I guess you are right, it is a Disney movie :) I just got out of work- it was a long evening!" (to explain why I was not going to be online very long...although, the real reason was that I was just not feeling it, and had nothing else to say), to which I get back, "i should call you dumbo"... What the hell does that mean? This, from the same guy who responded that he "doesn't don't want a skinny preppy pretty girl who only cares about how she looks and what she's going to buy or do to her hair next.. I'm not into all that" when I asked him what he was looking for... glad you chose ME, as apparently I don't fit into any of those categories, and I'm un-intelligent to boot. This guy will do wonders for a girl's self-esteem! :-/ Next!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Random Observations

Here are some random observations I've made from my recent foray into online dating:

-One guy lists "donating sperm" and "avoiding tax fraud" as his interests. He also thinks "ice fishing or hurricane surfing" would be good first dates. I can't tell if he's attempting to be funny because he thinks he will attract a girl this way, or if he's just a dick.

- Another guy states in his headline, "If conversation was an art id be friggin Vango lol"... I think he's means "Van Gogh". He also says in his profile, "During the week ima plumber on the weekends I'm a chip and dale dancer", "I'm good as long as your mustache isn't thicker than mine", and "I am not a scorpio Im a sagitarius but for some reason november 22nd is scorpio to them" (???)

- One man has three pictures on his profile: two are from when he was a baby, the third is of his dog. I get it, you were cute 30 years ago, and now you are a troll, but do you really want to try to start a relationship with a woman without divulging how you look? There is someone for everyone, and somewhere out there is a girl who will look past your un-attractive features, but it is less likely that you will find a girl who will be okay with your mis-leading her about your appearance. To highlight the fact that he's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, his profile starts off with, "First of all, let me ask, can we upload pics we have on Facebook to here on POF? The 2 pics I have on here now are a bit outdated, as you would agree. And I don't have a scanner. Please, somebody help me out here!" o-O

- There was a guy who used an image of Brad Pitt as his profile pic, but now he doesn't have any picture at all. I would give him the same advice as the guy above ^. 

- The heading of a very obese, very un-attractive man is, "Can I lick you up an down"... I have never wanted to throw up so much before in my life. (Those seven words are the only ones he typed on his entire profile... there are millions of words in the English vocabulary, and those are the seven he chooses to grace the online dating world with...)

- I came across the profile of an African American who looked like Jesus, with dreads past his belly button. His headline is, "BE REAL STOP ALL THE FAKEN", his interests are "BE REAL IF UR FAKE KICK ROCKS" (which had me very confused, until I realized he was just missing a well-placed coma), and he thinks a first date should be, "WHATEVR U LIKE". His about me section was even more difficult to decipher... "Desachico likes maken money!!! haven fun GOING OUT 2 EAT or just chilln in the house.WE CAN DO WHATEVR U LIKE.Music i listen 2 GOGO,R&B,RAP,some Reggae.I work alot of hours so sometimes i just be chlln restn saven money for a rainy day.Hobbies im in love with diamondz and gold and YOU LOL.up date now im thkn abt alligator sneakers i need 2 stp lol just love life !y hate".... Pass.

- Probably the most cringe-worthy profile I've come across features a man sitting on a rusting, riding lawn mower, holding a beer and a shotgun. His profile says, "look im not looking for drama bs i wanna woman who aint affraid to get dirty go fishing some nascar camping so lemme know whats up. if given the chanve i promise to be there when uur ill give u my shoulder to cry on hold hair when u pukin give u my every second to make u hapy hold u hand when ur down listen to u comfort u im very honest and true if ur willing to gimme chance hears me belowe. im 6-4 275 17 tatts im a great guy who knows how to treat a woman im a vol firefighter i love racing i have a racecar i race i am a dad of a wonderfull lil boy 14months old i have been threw alot and i dont want drama or bs i love to cook cuddle camp fish sit back with a scary movie i love all kinds of music im not so u should be the same so if u wanan chat more lemme know i also love to text". He must REALLY love to text, because it's listed as one of his interests, along with "nascar", "cuddling cookingwalkin", and "watchin good movies".

- There are ANGRY people online! One guy lists his interests as, "im so sick and tired of games and fake people on here if your profile tells who you really are then"....? He then starts his profile off with, "Are there any real woman out there are not fake and full of bs, then with that said Hi My names robert and I'm not here to play any mind games, or a one night stand. I want a woman who is not going to judge distance, judge people, not afraid of being herself, stands up for her beliefs and most of all would never change for anyone. So if you are sincere about wanting that magical feeling then please hit me up, If not then please look else where... ONE LAST THING, IF YOU ARE NOT SINCERE, THEN PLEASE DON'T WASTE MY TIME!!! p.s if you are going to judge me then don't waste my time on here i have better things to do then worry about what you think of me. Also if you are adult and want to play games then my best advice to you is to GROW UP AND BE ADULT AND NOT SOME 5 YEAR OLD"...

- A second (equally, or more) angry guy wrote, "Note!:I have children, which you might call baggage, they do come first, deal with it or piss off with kindness :). Secondly, I come to realize that I dislike skinny or (super skinny women I should put it). They are usually shallow and as ugly as their personality personally. Eat more food and develop manners lol. Lastly...if you put in your profile anything like "I'm not a booty call", or "not looking for a one night stand", or "looking for a man that doesn't want just sex" and your profile has you doing shots of your tits hanging out and your ass showing everywhere and you are drawing attention to your "goods" then don't expect to get the type of man you are looking for. Truth is you "ARE" looking for sex, you are just trying to attract the right guy...good luck with that, if you truly want a man that wants you just for your personality here is a tip. Put your tits a way as well as your ass, stop dressing like a skank whore and stop being a pathetic example to your children and wonder why your daughter is pregnant at the age of 14. This especially goes to the girls who say they are "Christian" (about as Christian as Hitler was a swell guy) Just sayin'. If I come off abrasive or offend you its not my intention, I just dislike hypocrites. I'm a very kind guy, I just like to put the truth in perspective. Update: If you have on your profile information like "[a female online dater]" about not talking to someone because they are ugly? You ARE a waste of human flesh, selfish and do not deseve a place with humanity...for real, not opinion. If people are subjected by people for the way they look and treat them inferior then these people are selfish, worthless, and all in all terrible people that should never breed becuase they will spread their superficial bullsh*tto their young." 
 His idea of the perfect first date? "We will see, nothing mind blowing."
 Wow. I understand that online dating is frustrating (believe me, I understand!), but your profile is how you sell yourself, which you do by putting your best foot forward. Angry, rude, offensive, derogatory, hostile profiles like this are probably why you are single! No one wants to date such a person, and by putting out this energy, you are saying, "this is me, on my best behavior", which will only leave ladies wondering just how bad you are at your worst.

Your Lazy Ass Will Always Be Single

A recent "Hey how are you" message came from a man who put slightly more than zero effort into putting together a profile. The About Me section looks like this:


And the First Date section says: 
"ggyifgdygduhddu..dgquheoHY3HGFHGQ.DTDUGYTEQWGTHJHEF.YSItdhdfuft6hjjn.f6t5123urhKuy.yjuqajkAShhdhdhydhjob vou fhytyr86truy v 6y v5r wer hyt tebeghtetqgufggdgyuhfn 6T"

Apparently POF has a character limit on certain sections, and this is how he fills the section. Why bother creating a profile at all?

I'm Not Creepy At All!

As seen in the "First Date" section of a POF guy:

"I would like to meet for Coffee, but I would get Hot Coaco it would be just to 'Break the Ice' (for introductions to occur). If it is not a choice, I would meet at a food court in a mall or at the greeting cards section of a Walmart. When we exchange names with faces, I would proceed to retrive her phone number to call back later. Than I would depart from the scene after a polite good bye, and call within an hour or so, to ask if there is any future in pursuing a second date. On the second date, I would use the knowledge I obtained from our introduction to select her a perfect flower, or a personal color of rose. Also, we could discuss a more becoming destination we would have in common to meet at next.

It is better to meet someone from online by just establishing a good first impression, and make the connection of a persons face along with their name. Make it simple, polite, and ask for their number if they would like to give it to you than say thank you, and if there is a really strong attraction then a decision to hug will easily be a way to tell when departing, how soon to call. Than on the phone after making the intial first impression, ask the other person how attracted on a scale of 1 to 5 they are, where 5 is extremly attracted, and 1 is not at all. Obviously, from this point it will be clear how well, if at all the second date will proceed, but with more confidence from the successful first impression. I personally like to go out to the movies, as much as I like to stay in, and watch them streaming live for free online. But, I love it when I meet a woman that likes to make her choice obvious and tell me how she wants to spend our time together."


It's Like Beating My Head Against a Brick Wall

In October, I wrote a guy on a really nice message "Hi! I liked your profile. You seem pretty easy-going. You mentioned that you like movies- What kind of movies do you like? I don't go to the theater very often, but I like various types of movies, mostly drama, romantic comedies, and suspense thrillers. How long have you lived in DC? One of your pictures looks like it was taken in a different county- where was that? Do you like to travel? I'm currently saving money for a visit to China next year. A good friend from college is a teacher there, and she wants to show me around. It sounds very exciting! I hope your week is going well. Feel free to send me a message back if you would like. :)" I got back, "Heeeeeeeeey". Nothing else. Just, "Heeeeeeeeey".... WTF is wrong with these guys. *eye roll*

Award For Best Over-Use of Capital Letters

"How r u...Cute Pic's...I Was Wondering Could We Exchange A Few Words? My Name is Markese,I'm from NY...I just move to MD..I work for Federal Government..Whats Your name..can u tell me a lil about your self"... Wow, holy over-use (and mis-use) of capitalization! I decided to check out the profile of the man who sent me this message:

"I'm from NY (Bronx)
now live here in MD..I like having fun going out to eat (food..lol)..I
like to write poetry....I'm a straight forward type of person and I
expect the same from anyone I deal with including my friends..I'm huge
COWBOYS fan..I'm also pretty open and blunt. I like knowing where I
stand with people. I am a bit of a workaholic.
I love music that has meaning so I am into gospel, soul, and r&b music.
I'M Soft on the eyes easy for the heart this page was created only for
the Smart, Open minded with few questions to ask I'll make it simple
so you don't have to ask. Seductive Heart can mean many things Please
know this page will always be clean... Loving and caring right from
the start every word I say will come from the heart.. I’m only here to
express and explain the true feelings I have on my chest to clear my
brain when I feel insane; A True Man I strive to be; Southern blood
runs through my veins, the city of NY is were my heart is , that is
how I came up with my name.. No love affair will come from this No
lies to be told I promise u this.. No games to play to let you know
I’m only here to share my Flow Welcome....
I intend to live life to the fullest.
Anything else you would like to know feel free to ask."

(I'm not sure if he was trying to rhyme some of that, or if it rhymed from coincidence...)
Then, he wrote a poem:

"I think I found the girl of my dreams
when I see her, she brings a tear to my eye,
cause I know Gods blessed me with one of his greatest prize
the way you walk and work those thighs, and that special twinkle in
your eyes, I guess your beauty gets to me sometimes.
When I first saw you, I almost tripped over my feet,
your different from the rest, you don't get into the lies and deset
your heavenly features is the envy of all girls,
she doesn't fein for the diamonds and pearls,
she likes the simple things in life, I'm never gonna find a girl like
this twice.
Your like that single rose in that garden of weeds,
flowers bloom, everytime you breath, your hearts a lock and I think I
hold the key
not only are you beautiful, your intelligente too,
you know me like the back of your hand, and that my favorite color is
the only problem with the girl of my dreams is just that,... she's
only a dream."

Which he followed up with this warm & fuzzy message:

"PS...I WOULDN'T WASTE YOUR TIME...DONT WASTE MY..IF U HAVE NO PIC'S,PHONE R CAN'T TXT,great personality and sense of humor. Someone who is honest, reliable, financial responsible, KEEP IT MOVING DONT HAVE TIME TO WASTE...."

Dude, you are THIRTY YEARS OLD.... if a woman doesn't text, she is wasting your time!? Also, the word "or" has an 'o' in it, and you spelled "intelligent" wrong. Just saying.

Come again?

I received a message last night with "FF.HOBBS 34032" in the subject line... I have no idea what this means, as it is nothing close to the poster's screen name. Another cryptic code I don't wish to decipher. The body of the message was, "hey how are u"..... And, delete.

"Singer Song Writer"

I received a message on Saturday, with "Singer Song Writer" in the subject line. Normally, I get "Hi", so I was intrigued. I figured he would tell me about himself, such as some of his hobbies, or what he does for a living, and I was optimistic that he would ask me about mine. I opened the message. It read, "Hello Merry Christmas"..... Sigh.


Another message I received on December 23 was this, "Jack sutphin 0313 jack sutphin 0313 please"...... what the hell? I have no idea what you are trying to tell me. Is this a screen name? I don't get it. I sent back, "I'm sorry?" The answer (even more cryptic than the initial message) I received? "my old boss".... Wtf, dude... I'm not even giving that one a reply.

"Miss Sexy Eyes"

On Friday, I received a message titled "Eyes...". I've been told before that I have pretty eyes (and, not to be vain, they ARE my best feature!), so I figured this was going to be some sort of pick-up line (but props for not going with the usual, generic, "Hi"). Sure enough, the message said, "Hey there your profile got my attention. Amazing eyes there you're a complete knockout. I just wanted to say hello and ask how is your night going? Take care." Now, I am a huge stickler for proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation, but most of the messages I receive say "Hi how are you", so the fact that this guy attempted complete sentences was a major plus in his favor. He doesn't have a picture, and his profile says he's looking for "Hang Out", "wants to date but nothing serious", & "I am good looking fun guy looking to make some new friends and have some fun. Right now I'm recently separated and am looking to have fun without any drama.", so I know he's not looking for any type of relationship, but I figured, what the hell, he attempted to write something slightly intelligent, I'll respond and see what happens. I replied, "Hello, thank you :) My night went well- I was at work until after midnight, so I wouldn't say it was "fun and exciting", but I was busy! How was yours?" and got back, "Youre very welcome Miss Sexy Eyes. My weekend wasn't bad I just traveled to Pa to visit family for Christmas. How are you doing? Merry Christmas". At least this one asks me questions I can reply to, in order to establish some sort of conversation. So, weird nickname aside, I responded with, "Sounds like you had a nice holiday- mine was pretty low key, just spent at home, cooking and watching football. I'm doing well- I just got home from work, an about to head to bed, as I am pretty tired. How are you doing? I hope you had a nice day, and Merry Christmas! (A bit late :)". This time, I included my name, so he would have something to refer to me by, other than his slightly obnoxious chosen moniker. I received a reply this morning, "That's good mine was relaxing too. Up to anything exciting this week? What are you looking for one here Miss Sexy Eyes?".... The first time he said it, was cheesy, the second time was annoying, but the third time? I'm over it. Not to mention, he has my name, and is still not choosing to use it, which shows he thinks his cheesy, skeevy one liners will get him laid. He doesn't sign his messages, so I don't have his name, but it doesn't matter. This time, I'm not responding.

The 12-Hour Date

The 12-hour date... this date wins the award for 'Longest Date Ever', and is runner-up for 'Worst Date Ever' (see my last post for that one!) This date also occurred in the summer of 2010- Samuel lived in NYC, and drove the four hours to meet me in Albany. We met at The Crossings, my favorite walking-trail park, at noon for an afternoon of Frisbee and getting to know each other. When I first saw Samuel, I thought, "very cute!" He was dressed very nicely in dark jeans and a nice shirt, clean cut... he was about my height, which was slightly disappointing, as I like guys to be at least a few inches taller than me, but for the most part, he was attractive and resembled his pics (we don't always get that, do we ladies?).
We made our way to the center of the park, where we threw a Frisbee around for half an hour. Then we started walking and talking. After a bit, Samuel wanted to have a seat on a bench, where we continued our conversation. Then he asked if I wanted to sit somewhere more private (granted, the bench was on the side of the path, and the park was pretty busy on such a beautiful day), and he wanted to sit behind a couple of trees that were off the path, which I thought was a bit strange, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Almost immediately after sitting down, he started being a little too "touchy-feely" for my comfort. Clearly, this guy had no problem expressing himself sexually. However, this was the first time meeting in person, and I was NOT comfortable with him wanting to put his hands all over me. This is the place where I should have politely put an end to the date, and wished him well. However, I seem to have the gene that causes me to allow things to drag on much longer than they should, and this date was no exception.
After he got the message (or so I thought) that I was not sleeping with him (much less, behind a few trees in a public park!) on this date, we went to a local restaurant for lunch. Then he wanted to see a movie. Then he wanted to get ice cream. Then he wanted to go back to the park. Then he wanted to get dinner. Then he wanted to go back to the park. The whole time Samuel kept trying to "get a feel" (pun intended) of where my physical boundaries lay, and how far I would allow him to go physically. A few times I mentioned that it was getting late, but he didn't seem to get the hint that it was time to go.
At one point (and the part that will always make this date memorable), I was showing Samuel pictures on my camera, including one of me with my best friend. Samuel asked me who the other girl in the picture was, and I told him she was my best friend. A couple of minutes later, he told me, "Next time [we meet], you and your best friend should come down to the city".... Um, why would my best friend come on a date, unless you wanted to get to know her instead? So I let Samuel know that if he was interested in my friend, he should just ask her out himself if he's interested in her (not that she would go for a classless ass like him, or for a guy that went out with her best friend, but he can certainly try!), and his response? "How would I go about doing that?" I told him she was also online, and he could message her. He replied, "Is that okay with you? But, wouldn't that hurt my chances with you?" I'm not sure if he registered the shocked and dismayed look on my face, but before I could respond, he said, "No, never mind, I'll just stick with you." Wow, dude, what a way to make a girl feel good about herself! I'm always honored to be told a guy is settling in order to be with me!
Finally, around midnight, Samuel told me he was too tired to make the 4-hour drive back to the city. I was not about to invite him home with me, so I told him to drive safely, and have a good night. He then decided he was going to get a hotel room, and wanted me to come stay with him. That was not going to happen, either, even though he told me, "You don't have to sleep with me, just lay on the bed and keep me company"... Yeah, given your track record, I'm SURE I can count on you to be a perfect gentleman! I really did feel bad that Samuel had driven so far (which is why I was hesitant to cut the date short), but I was not feeling this guy, and I wanted this date OVER, so I declined. I don't know if he got a hotel room or drove back to the city, but whichever he chose, he did alone!
Samuel messaged me a few days later, wanting to know when our next date would be. When I replied, "I don't think so", he wanted to know why. I reminded him of the conversation we had, the one where he asked if I was okay with him asking out my best friend... His reply? "I thought you were over that!" Wow. Good luck to you, Samuel.

Worst Date Ever

The worst date I've ever been on occurred in the summer of 2010. John and I exchanged a few messages, and he seemed nice enough, and we made plans to meet at his place. I packed a picnic lunch, and brought my Wii. John lived near the U-Albany campus, in a tall apartment building on a busy road. I parked in the complex's lot, gathered all of my stuff, and started towards the building. At that moment, John called me, and told me I couldn't park there, and I would have to park out on the main road. I put all of my stuff (three over-flowing, heavy bags) back in the car, and re-parked. As soon as I got all of my stuff out of the car (again), and shut the door, I realized I had locked my keys in the car.
When I got to John's apartment, I let him know, and he asked me what I was going to do. I asked him if he had a wire coat hanger, which he brought out of the bedroom. Now, at this point, the normal thing (or, at least, what I was expecting) was for the guy to say, "Let me help you"... Instead, John just stood there and looked at me. So I said, "I guess I'll go down and try to get into my car", to which he responded, "thank you" (um......"thank you"!?), and continued to just stand there and look at me. I spent the next TWO HOURS trying to break into my car with a coat hanger. For the first hour, John texted me every 10 minutes, "how's it going?"or "is everything ok?", then every 45 minutes...
It was a very hot, humid day, and there wasn't any shade on this particular street. While I tried not to die from heat stroke, John sat in his air-conditioned apartment, doing God-knows-what. I was beyond aggravated. A police officer stopped and asked if I needed any assistance, but told me officers aren't allowed to carry slim-jims anymore, because of liability issues for any damages that may occur. He offered to call me a tow truck, but I didn't have any money on me, so I declined. Frustrated, hot, and on the verge of tears, I called a good friend and explained the situation. Her response? "I'll be right there." THAT is a normal response!
While I was waiting, a very sweet, older lady from the same building came over to me. I told her I was on a date, and she said, "Oh, sweetie, you don't want to date anyone from this building! This is a government-run facility for the elderly, or those with mental/physical handicaps. Of course. Just my luck. She went door-to-door, asking her neighbors if anyone had a AAA card, and another elderly lady let her use hers. John was still texting me, to see if "everything was okay". Around this time, my friend showed up, and we decided to go get my stuff from John's apartment, and just leave once AAA un-locked my car. The lady neighbor who was helping me said, "If you aren't back in 10 minutes, I'm calling the police!" When John opened his door, I told him I was just going to go. He did help me gather my things, and then I told him it was nice to meet him, and I ran out of there as fast as I could. The neighbor, my friend and I, all had a picnic on the sidewalk from the lunch I had packed.
At one point, the lady who let me use her AAA card drove by. She was rather cranky, and kept saying, "I shouldn't have let you use my card- I didn't realize it was my last free call until next year. What if I need it? Now I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to be late for church. I was trying to do the Christian thing, and be helpful, and now I've screwed myself. I'm going to be late. I have to go. I shouldn't have given you my card." Wow. 1) I can really feel "God's love" through you (ha), and 2) Um, my bad!? (I got her address and sent her a thank you card a couple of weeks later, along with a note to contact me if she does end up needing that last tow call, and I'll pay for it... I never did hear anything from her.)
After AAA arrived and got my car opened, my friend and I took off. Her car ended up breaking down on the way home, and we ended up on the side of the road, waiting for AAA again, but the afternoon we spent laughing about our crazy day was one of the most fun days I can remember having. That "date", however, was not. Needless to say, I never did hear from John again... :) 

Frogs: An Introduction

Recently, I've ventured back into the world of online dating. My 30th birthday is looming in the not-nearly-far-away-enough future, and the pressure of leaving my 20's behind and "officially" entering "adult-hood" has kicked my desire to find "The One" into full gear. Having just re-located to here in MD from Upstate NY, I figured what better way to meet potential dates than online? I've been on Match and Plenty of Fish before (and I had a couple of subsequent relationships), and my experience is that the paid sites produce better quality and potential- after all, if it's free, you have nothing to lose, so why put in any effort? :(

I re-activated my POF account in July, but as a newly re-located and un-employed gal, I didn't feel comfortable trying to date, as I had nothing to offer the other person- the only thing I could bring to the table was myself (which, in my opinion, should be enough lol- but deep down, I know it's not). In October I again re-activated my profile, and have come across many frogs in my quest to locate Prince Charming. This blog is dedicated to chronicling these tales, so that you, too, may live vicariously through my adventures. Whether you are single, married, in a loving, committed relationship, or just having fun, my truest desire for you (and myself) is that we all find happiness in the end. Cheers!